‘Tis the Season to be Disgusting

It’s the time of year when food is everywhere in the office. Not good food—junk. Well, some junkier than others, but overall, nothing to get excited over. Still there they are, the vultures swarming over free fake cheese popcorn, too-sweet sweetbreads, blue cheese twists packed with processed shit, and homemade crap masquerading as my co-worker’s fudge.

We have a pizza party every year followed by a White Elephant style gift exchange. The pizza leftovers are consumed within a day, usually by the obese attorney who also makes a trip to the popcorn barrel every half hour. During the White Elephant gift exchange, the worst gifts are accepted with obvious resentment while the best—always wine bottles—are stolen and traded back and forth in a cruel three-way face off that lasts far too long (this year it went on for almost half an hour). The people fighting over the desirable gifts are always attorneys. The rest of us are used to getting screwed, so we suck it up. I have a Tupperware salad container, a tea infuser, and sordid other bullshit items as proof.

I have seen the gluttony, greed, pettiness, and forced cheer all too often. I am disgusted by these displays. I appreciate the gestures, truly, but I grow weary of the idea that I should be happy when surrounded by these creatures who swarm around piles of junk food and liquor. Bums act this way, not professionals.